The Young and the Moronic
by Evilflyngmonkees
Summary: What! Hermione likes Ron! Pshhhh, that’s crazy talk! Wait, then why is Ron more confused than normal, and Hermione even more controlling? Surely we must investigate….


The Young and the Moronic

_Disclaimer: No, I do not own Harry Potter, you cake-sniffing orphan! Go invent something, or whatever_.

Summary: What! Hermione likes Ron! Pshhhh, that's crazy talk! Wait, then why is Ron more confused than normal, and Hermione even more controlling? Surely we must investigate….

Hermione slammed her books down on the table and threw her most ferocious glare at Olivia, the malevolent Ravenclaw that had the audacity to go and talk to her Ron about schoolwork. The fact that Ron wasn't _technically_ hers had slipped her mind, which seemed to be happening more and more often. Was it her fault that Ron hadn't asked her to be his girlfriend yet? No! In fact, he should have done it ages ago; Hermione had been dropping hints since the beginning of their sixth year. Only last week, Hermione asked Ron to loan her a quill, which obviously meant 'I love you and will follow you to the ends of the earth, will you do the same for me?' But Ron merely handed her a quill and asked for it back at the end of the day. Hermione had been hurt, but she allowed it to slide, for with Ron there was always the chance that he had misunderstood her. After all, all men are idiots, and Ron is most definitely their king.

Hermione turned back to the subject at hand, only to become more enraged than before. Olivia had 'accidentally' brushed her hand against Ron's, and now that floozy was blushing! Hermione fumed, and being the intelligent girl she was, she decided to stake her claim on her territory. She picked up her books, stomped over to Ron's table, and earning a glare from Madame Pince, slammed her books once again down on the table.

"Hello," she said, "I was in the area and noticed you two were studying and thought I could join in, you know, because I am Ron's friend, and also smart, and I like to help my friends, like Ron, out of potentially depressing situations," 'like you' seemed to linger in the air, though unsaid.

"Hermione, you're rambling," Ron pointed out kindly while trying to inconspicuously scratch his bottom.

"That was very nice of you Hermione," said Olivia politely, "but Ron is helping me with divination, and since you dropped that class, I don't think that you…"

Olivia was silenced by a very nasty glare coming her way, which seemed to promise lots of pain and destruction via a spoon if Olivia even thought about finishing her sentence.

Ron, of course, oblivious to all, declared that it was a great idea, because he hadn't done his transfiguration homework, and now two people could help him. "You're fine with all that divination rubbish right, Olivia?" asked Ron while yawning loudly, "Because I don't think I could stand another minute of it! Divination always makes me sleepy, and I was about to pass out right there on the table!"

"Don't worry Ron, I think I've got the hang of the oracle setup, it was really easy to understand once you explained it to me." Olivia batted her eyes demurely while Hermione mentally composed a list of particularly violent things that are not allowed to be listed here because this story is PG.

"Ron," Hermione snapped, "don't you think that we should start working on your homework now? I mean, it is due tomorrow. Oh and don't worry about Ron, he and I won't need anymore help so you can go now." She directed this last statement at Olivia, who in turn became positively livid at the idea.

"Oh, now I couldn't leave you two alone. What if Hermione forgot something and you got bad marks? Then I would feel that it was entirely my fault, and would never forgive myself."

"I don't forget things, especially concerning schoolwork and my friends!" said Hermione hotly, "and we don't need your help, do we Ron," she glanced over at Ron and he nodded meekly in reply. "There, it's settled. Go somewhere where you're wanted."

"What are you trying to imply, you presumptuous know-it-all!" shouted Olivia, "I think that I am wanted right here, right Ron!"

At this time Ron felt it best for him to open his mouth, "Now wait a minute…"

"BELT UP!" they shouted at him, causing him to shrink back in fear and look nervously around for Harry. Catching Ron's rather frightened look, Harry made his way over and anxiously asked if Ron had seen a spider.

"Worse," said Ron is a small, frightened voice, "Hermione and Olivia are fighting over me and my homework and Madame Pince is about to have an aneurysm because they are getting too loud and Hermione looks like she's about to cast an unforgivable and she's been really weird all week and I don't get my Transfiguration homework!"

"They're gonna' fight?" Harry seemed a little too excited about this, and Ron told him to stop being such a randy teenager and help him fix the situation at hand. "Well, you have been kinda rude to Hermione, Ron, I mean, after she goes and bears her soul with that whole episode with the quill, you just blew her off."

"What in the name of Merlin are you talking about? What 'quill episode?' I don't remember any 'quill episodes!' And why don't I remember and Hermione-related soul bearing?" Ron stood up and to emphasize his point, and in so knocked his chair onto the floor, causing quite a kerfuffle.

But Ron never got to hear exactly what the 'quill incident' was, as his knocking over the chair was apparently was the last straw for Madame Pince. She promptly exploded, not literally, but figuratively, with lots of yelling and screaming and threatening of point deduction. Ron, Harry, Hermione and Olivia were unceremoniously chucked into the hall, and promptly shook their fists. Olivia decided to retire, and directed towards Hermione a few choice words about female dogs and fornication. Ron and Harry stood open mouthed as Hermione replied with an answer that would make a muggle sailor blush. Feeling satisfied, she then turned on her heel and walked briskly away.

Recovering, Ron started after Hermione, calling out, "what's wrong with you Hermione? You seem, almost, well, jealous. You're never jealous!"

"Be quiet Ron, why would you even care?" Hermione replied coldly.

Ron was stumped on that one, and managed to stammer out an 'er' and a few 'um's as the tips of his ears went red. Hermione took that as her cue to exit, and stomped away, her robes billowing behind her.

Harry, being the kind friend he was, scared the bejeezus out of Ron by coming out of nowhere and suddenly clapping his hand onto Ron's shoulder. After he had stopped hyperventilating, Ron asked Harry why Hermoine was being so odd. Harry sighed and told Ron exasperatedly "I told you Ron, the 'quill incident!' Honestly Ron, people would think you were thick or something!"

Ron was getting rather annoyed at this 'quill incident' and demanded to be told what it was.

"You mean you don't know?" said Harry incredulously, "I mean, it was right in the middle of class and everything, and she said it right to your face, and you just brushed her off. It's completely understandable that she's cold to you and jealous of everybody, well, every girl, around you."

"What? What did she say right to my face that I merely brushed off!" roared Ron, looking more than just a bit annoyed.

"Why, she asked you, and I quote, 'Ron, may I please borrow a quill.'"

Ron thought that for a moment he had gone temporarily insane. He could have sworn that Harry just said something about Hermione borrowing a quill. How in the world could that have upset her so? Besides, he lent her the quill, and as a matter of fact, she hadn't returned it yet. Ron decided to tell Harry so and was promptly thwacked over the head.

"No you stupid dolt, she wasn't asking for a quill, she was declaring her love to you."

Ron decided that his hearing had in fact gone, and started to furiously clean out his ears. Harry, shocked, asked what was wrong with him, and dragged him to the wall, as he was receiving a lot of strange looks from some third year Hufflepuffs, and a few fourth year Slytherins pointed and whispered. Finally deciding that his ears were properly clean Ron whispered furiously, "What do you mean, declaration of love! She just asked me for a bloody quill!"

"Ron, you really are thick! She _said_ she wanted a quill but what she _meant_ was 'I love you and will follow you to the ends of the earth, will you do the same for me?' Everybody knows that!"

"How did you get _that _from 'Can I borrow a bloody quill!"

"Honestly Ron, don't you read? It's right here!" Harry impatiently pulled a rather old and battered book from his schoolbag. He began flipping through the pages, apparently searching for a certain passage. Once he found the page, he thrust the book unceremoniously under Ron's nose. As Ron read on, his eyes got as wide as saucepans.

_The Hogwarts School's Guide to_

_Decoding the Most Common Double Entendres_

_Most people understand that many phrases have double meanings, especially when said by a person who is known to fancy the person they are talking to. But unfortunately, there are some idiots who are completely oblivious to the subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, art of flirting. But never fear, for this section will educate you on the most basic phrases that are used for declarations of love, or declarations of like, or propositions of possibly thinking about taking someone to Hogsmeade in a friends-with-benefits way. Read on, moron, and be educated in the ways of love!_

_Nice nail polish – when said by a boy, this means 'I love you so much that I will even put up with your Neolithic ways of painting your fingers in order to receive attention.' When said by a girl it just means 'nice nail polish.'_

_You're so funny! – I am so head over heels for you that I am complimenting any rubbish you say. Please put me out of my misery and snog me senseless._

_Ron scanned down, blushing at 'You've got a great broomstick' and skipping entire explanations until he found the one he was looking for: _

_May I please borrow a quill? – This is probably one of the most commonly used phrases, and only a real idiot would not realize what it means. Loosely translated, it means 'I love you and will follow you to the ends of the earth, will you do the same for me?' One must be careful when receiving or using this quote, because in rare instances, a person really wants to borrow a quill. There have been a few rare instances, when there were egregious mistakes, such as the time when Sean McCaffery, a rather randy fifth year, misunderstood a young professor McGonogall's request and started snogging her wildly in the hall before she could cast a stunning spell to stop him. It was quite funny for all the viewers, but terrible for poor Sean, he was heartbroken. Apparently he had been harboring a crush on McGonogall for quite some time._

Ron stopped reading, muttering to himself about painful mental images and how he will never be able to sleep at night. But then realization dawned on him as he comprehended the full implications of what Hermione had said. His face turned as red as a tomato and he began to stutter uncontrollably.

"You mean…she-she meant that? But, 'Mione, she…she doesn't like me like that, does she? Harry, I'm confused!" Harry kindly answered Ron's idiotic stuttering with another thwack to the head, which thankfully stopped Ron's stammering. After asking Harry to install muggle fastening implements into his person, Ron decided to make an exit and hurried up to the Gryffindor tower.

"Where are you going?" Harry called out behind him.

"I've got to find Hermione! We need to, er, talk," Ron called out over his shoulder, lengthening his stride in his haste to get to the tower. This, unfortunately, caused him to trip over a kneeling first year and crash spectacularly into the rather unforgiving floor. But Ron didn't start shouting things about the young boys' mother as he is normally wont to do, he just got up as dignified as he could manage, and took off running again.

When he finally found her later, she was reading by the fire. She saw him and moved to go up to the dormitories. He stopped her, cleared his throat, and said, rather awkwardly, "May I please borrow a quill?"

Hermione smiled.

_Fin_


End file.
